Vulnerability time again.

@Sobex no relevant PhD, but I have a specialization in behavioral science statistics and psychology. My actual degree is in computer and information systems, but psychology research has always been a big part of my professional role.

@autisticplushy

@alice @autisticplushy I'm curious how Physchology research can become part of the job of a Computer graduate What exactly is it that you do to earn the money to buy locks ?

Vulnerability time again.

So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.

Why? Well strap in...

All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.

¹ not that kind of plan B

And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".

I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)

I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it"

So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.

I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.

Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.

I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.

#Beauty #Dreams #Therapy #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Abuse

This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.

@alice

Agreed. A lot of people just get told to not even try unless you do/are perfect at it from the first go.

Which is just bonkers. You do not have to be the best, you can be quite horrible at something - as long as you learn or have fun. I am horrible at singing, but that won't stop me from humming or singing along.

And making mistakes is how you learn. You didn't fail, you found a method that didn't work. Attempt again with new information and insight.

Vulnerability time again.

So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.

Why? Well strap in...

All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.

¹ not that kind of plan B

And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".

I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)

I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it"

So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.

I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.

Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.

I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.

#Beauty #Dreams #Therapy #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Abuse

@alice @autisticplushy I'm curious how Physchology research can become part of the job of a Computer graduate What exactly is it that you do to earn the money to buy locks ?

Vulnerability time again.

So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.

Why? Well strap in...

All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.

¹ not that kind of plan B

And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".

I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)

I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it"

So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.

I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.

Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.

I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.

#Beauty #Dreams #Therapy #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Abuse

@alice The human mind can behave in some odd ways. Here's Professor Bergman in Space:1999 talking about humans and their brain potential.

Any dreams with negativity should always be consigned to the trash heap.

You are beautiful, kind, loving and considerate. We need more people to be like you.

As Carla said in Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter said, "Beauty fades eventually, but a kind soul remains forever."

@alice "dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag”

I absolutely love this description. I miss watching defrag!

@XenoPhage me too. It always felt so satisfying to see the visual representation of reverse-entropy.

Meanwhile, I was storing my clothes in a searchable heap.

@Aprazeth I do wish that we as a species celebrated doing things for the joy of it more, even—and especially—if we're bad at it.

I think it's both a type of gate-keeping, and a way to feel powerful without doing anything positive, when folx put someone down for not being as good at something.

For instance, I'm pretty good at Monster Hunter. It's been my favorite game series since MH3U (2013). I play online a lot, and I inevitably hear someone saying "stay at base noob", "get good", or some equally shitty suggestion to someone who carted (lost one of the group's shared lives).

Instead of shaming, I make it a point to protect newer folx when they enter the fray again, and give them a chance to learn (and also to block folx who act like assholes).

I love that game and, like with everything I love, I want to share it with as many people as possible, so they can experience that joy too (and so I can have one more person to geek out about my passions with).

It's a sad state to think you have to blow out someone else's candle to make yours look brighter.

@Aprazeth I do wish that we as a species celebrated doing things for the joy of it more, even—and especially—if we're bad at it.

I think it's both a type of gate-keeping, and a way to feel powerful without doing anything positive, when folx put someone down for not being as good at something.

For instance, I'm pretty good at Monster Hunter. It's been my favorite game series since MH3U (2013). I play online a lot, and I inevitably hear someone saying "stay at base noob", "get good", or some equally shitty suggestion to someone who carted (lost one of the group's shared lives).

Instead of shaming, I make it a point to protect newer folx when they enter the fray again, and give them a chance to learn (and also to block folx who act like assholes).

I love that game and, like with everything I love, I want to share it with as many people as possible, so they can experience that joy too (and so I can have one more person to geek out about my passions with).

It's a sad state to think you have to blow out someone else's candle to make yours look brighter.

@Aprazeth I do wish that we as a species celebrated doing things for the joy of it more, even—and especially—if we're bad at it.

I think it's both a type of gate-keeping, and a way to feel powerful without doing anything positive, when folx put someone down for not being as good at something.

For instance, I'm pretty good at Monster Hunter. It's been my favorite game series since MH3U (2013). I play online a lot, and I inevitably hear someone saying "stay at base noob", "get good", or some equally shitty suggestion to someone who carted (lost one of the group's shared lives).

Instead of shaming, I make it a point to protect newer folx when they enter the fray again, and give them a chance to learn (and also to block folx who act like assholes).

I love that game and, like with everything I love, I want to share it with as many people as possible, so they can experience that joy too (and so I can have one more person to geek out about my passions with).

It's a sad state to think you have to blow out someone else's candle to make yours look brighter.

This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.

@alice @Aprazeth this is why I love adult figure skating. I’ll never be seriously competitive and that is great. I skate because I love it and I don’t have any of the baggage from doing it as a kid. I also know that every year things get harder for me to do so every time I learn something new it’s a double win. I’ll keep skating for as long as I can and that’s enough. I’m glad to see the women at the Olympics were having fun too, especially Alysa Liu. Before she quit, she could do quads and then she talked about how she had a *4 inch* growth spurt and couldn’t do them any more. But instead of mourning what was lost, she’s celebrating what she’s gained, confidence and happiness instead of stress and pressure.

This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.