My neighbour is a vicar so I leave little 'miracles' for him to find. He's gonna lose his shit when he sees one of his gnomes has developed stigmata

My proudest parenting moment was when my 11yo daughter asked me to teach her how to write software so she could strip the adverts from the podcasts she downloaded. That's when you know you have a good kid.

I have cultivated a strategy which guarantees I always win at Monopoly: I lose as quickly as possible. The remaining players think I've lost, but they're wrong. I escaped first, so I win.