I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here.

I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here. Noticing this, and using the word intentionally, has made my experiences so much calmer.

The word is "yes".

Or "yep", or "so true", or "I agree", or "absolutely", or any other affirmative. The point is, you are making clear that you hear and agree with the parent post/comment, you just want to add a little more to it.

Tone just doesn't work great on the ol' internet, and so many times what was intended as a "yes, and" is interpreted as a desire to quibble.

How many times have you seen comments like "that's what I was saying! "?

A lot of us here have oppressions where we're really used to both being spoken over and misconstrued. A lot of us have blind spots where we don't see how we could be perceived that way.

@Tattie yes! And it's actually two words if you want to add something.

"Yes, and". never ever ever ever "yes, but." because that but just makes every yes in front of it kaputt.

@Tattie Yesss! I noticed the same!

A very long story but if you wanna hear an even wilder trick in that same spirit? I dunno if it's as effective in writing as it is verbally but an absolutely magical mad science phrase is:

"Yeah! That's just like how ..."

but you say it to break someone out of programmed beliefs. Examples and why I think it happens....

Someone at my work was talking in a Xenophobic way about his coworkers. When a natural lull in the convo happened I replied 'Yeah! That's just like how they tell people to come here the 'right way' but then they fire all the people who do that process so nobody can'. At the time I was being sarcastic, ready for an argument, and instead to my surprise the dude agreed with me, and 5 mins in I just kept going and the guy yes-and with me away from Xenophobia toward being mad at his company for taking advantage of people. I thought it was a fluke but curious I tried it again on a 'racist uncle' type. I thought surely last time it only worked because the guy was only a coworker in a public setting trying to get along. Let's see what happens with someone who knows me and it's at the privacy of home.

Uncle says propoganda talking point that he clearly parroted from somewhere. I nod and said "yeah that's just like how..." and said something that refuted it. And I could see him literally flinch, like hear the cpu and gpu of his brain overclock trying to process the agreeable contradiction, then agree with me, and I again managed to hijack the conversation away from the propoganda toward reason and compassion.

My theory is when people say something that they expect pushback on, if your reaction is cloaked in faux agreement, they let the guard walls down because they think that you both heard and agreed with them ... which allows them to hear and process your next words on their own merit rather than as attacks that must be countered.

It takes a little skill to execute or their walls will pop back up. You have to be able to say your refutations without frustration and while always pretending that you agree with what they're saying in turn. This part can be especially difficult, they're gonna say some very hateful beliefs at first because they think they're talking with someone 'safe', but the payoff is worth it because you can steer the person away from hateful thinking and actually deprogram them.

That guy at work? After repeats of this kind of interaction one day out of the blue he came up to me and said 'i wanted to thank you for the conversations youve been having with me. It really helped me see that I had some pretty messed up views and Im doing better now.' Not sarcastic, he noticably changed for the better.

@Tattie That "yes and..." script works for me, when I'm sure or nearly sure what they meant. Otherwise, I resort to or start with "Agreed, if you meant (interpretation I think likely). If you meant something else, I may also agree but can't say conclusively." And tangentially, when I find myself writing "Disagree if you mean...", I check what I'm about to write for a strawman.

@growfediverse whoah. My gut reaction at first was "no, wait, that's invalidating", and then I read further and understood how you were indeed using it to subtly invalidate and undermine problematic statements, and... that's some rhetorical witchcraft right there. I might try this out myself, if I dare.

@Tattie Yesss! I noticed the same!

A very long story but if you wanna hear an even wilder trick in that same spirit? I dunno if it's as effective in writing as it is verbally but an absolutely magical mad science phrase is:

"Yeah! That's just like how ..."

but you say it to break someone out of programmed beliefs. Examples and why I think it happens....

Someone at my work was talking in a Xenophobic way about his coworkers. When a natural lull in the convo happened I replied 'Yeah! That's just like how they tell people to come here the 'right way' but then they fire all the people who do that process so nobody can'. At the time I was being sarcastic, ready for an argument, and instead to my surprise the dude agreed with me, and 5 mins in I just kept going and the guy yes-and with me away from Xenophobia toward being mad at his company for taking advantage of people. I thought it was a fluke but curious I tried it again on a 'racist uncle' type. I thought surely last time it only worked because the guy was only a coworker in a public setting trying to get along. Let's see what happens with someone who knows me and it's at the privacy of home.

Uncle says propoganda talking point that he clearly parroted from somewhere. I nod and said "yeah that's just like how..." and said something that refuted it. And I could see him literally flinch, like hear the cpu and gpu of his brain overclock trying to process the agreeable contradiction, then agree with me, and I again managed to hijack the conversation away from the propoganda toward reason and compassion.

My theory is when people say something that they expect pushback on, if your reaction is cloaked in faux agreement, they let the guard walls down because they think that you both heard and agreed with them ... which allows them to hear and process your next words on their own merit rather than as attacks that must be countered.

It takes a little skill to execute or their walls will pop back up. You have to be able to say your refutations without frustration and while always pretending that you agree with what they're saying in turn. This part can be especially difficult, they're gonna say some very hateful beliefs at first because they think they're talking with someone 'safe', but the payoff is worth it because you can steer the person away from hateful thinking and actually deprogram them.

That guy at work? After repeats of this kind of interaction one day out of the blue he came up to me and said 'i wanted to thank you for the conversations youve been having with me. It really helped me see that I had some pretty messed up views and Im doing better now.' Not sarcastic, he noticably changed for the better.

I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here. Noticing this, and using the word intentionally, has made my experiences so much calmer.

The word is "yes".

Or "yep", or "so true", or "I agree", or "absolutely", or any other affirmative. The point is, you are making clear that you hear and agree with the parent post/comment, you just want to add a little more to it.

I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here. Noticing this, and using the word intentionally, has made my experiences so much calmer.

The word is "yes".

Or "yep", or "so true", or "I agree", or "absolutely", or any other affirmative. The point is, you are making clear that you hear and agree with the parent post/comment, you just want to add a little more to it.

@Tattie yeah definitely. we've noticed this as well. it is not a thing we can take for granted as understood.

I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here. Noticing this, and using the word intentionally, has made my experiences so much calmer.

The word is "yes".

Or "yep", or "so true", or "I agree", or "absolutely", or any other affirmative. The point is, you are making clear that you hear and agree with the parent post/comment, you just want to add a little more to it.

@Tattie Yesss! I noticed the same!

A very long story but if you wanna hear an even wilder trick in that same spirit? I dunno if it's as effective in writing as it is verbally but an absolutely magical mad science phrase is:

"Yeah! That's just like how ..."

but you say it to break someone out of programmed beliefs. Examples and why I think it happens....

Someone at my work was talking in a Xenophobic way about his coworkers. When a natural lull in the convo happened I replied 'Yeah! That's just like how they tell people to come here the 'right way' but then they fire all the people who do that process so nobody can'. At the time I was being sarcastic, ready for an argument, and instead to my surprise the dude agreed with me, and 5 mins in I just kept going and the guy yes-and with me away from Xenophobia toward being mad at his company for taking advantage of people. I thought it was a fluke but curious I tried it again on a 'racist uncle' type. I thought surely last time it only worked because the guy was only a coworker in a public setting trying to get along. Let's see what happens with someone who knows me and it's at the privacy of home.

Uncle says propoganda talking point that he clearly parroted from somewhere. I nod and said "yeah that's just like how..." and said something that refuted it. And I could see him literally flinch, like hear the cpu and gpu of his brain overclock trying to process the agreeable contradiction, then agree with me, and I again managed to hijack the conversation away from the propoganda toward reason and compassion.

My theory is when people say something that they expect pushback on, if your reaction is cloaked in faux agreement, they let the guard walls down because they think that you both heard and agreed with them ... which allows them to hear and process your next words on their own merit rather than as attacks that must be countered.

It takes a little skill to execute or their walls will pop back up. You have to be able to say your refutations without frustration and while always pretending that you agree with what they're saying in turn. This part can be especially difficult, they're gonna say some very hateful beliefs at first because they think they're talking with someone 'safe', but the payoff is worth it because you can steer the person away from hateful thinking and actually deprogram them.

That guy at work? After repeats of this kind of interaction one day out of the blue he came up to me and said 'i wanted to thank you for the conversations youve been having with me. It really helped me see that I had some pretty messed up views and Im doing better now.' Not sarcastic, he noticably changed for the better.

@Tattie

I would also say that this can be a big relationship improvement too, especially if either or both of you is sensitive, prickly, or has trauma issues.

Spouse and I have both been working on this, and find that it can help avert a lot of near-arguments over nothing.

I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here. Noticing this, and using the word intentionally, has made my experiences so much calmer.

The word is "yes".

Or "yep", or "so true", or "I agree", or "absolutely", or any other affirmative. The point is, you are making clear that you hear and agree with the parent post/comment, you just want to add a little more to it.

I only noticed quite recently that there's a magic word that you can put at the beginning of Fedi comments that will significantly reduce the number of silly disagreements you have here. Noticing this, and using the word intentionally, has made my experiences so much calmer.

The word is "yes".

Or "yep", or "so true", or "I agree", or "absolutely", or any other affirmative. The point is, you are making clear that you hear and agree with the parent post/comment, you just want to add a little more to it.